“And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?” - Ironic by Alanis Morrissette

Alanis had it right - it is ironic. Relationships, that is. Especially the past and the present.

The relationship I was in during my early twenties was good, but after the breakup 5 years ago, he began to show his true colors which made me wonder if they were always there. Was I too blind to actually see them?

Early this year, I started to see someone new. Someone who listens intently, is a true gentleman and makes me feel like I’m his number one pick. Doesn’t seem like a lot to ask for, right? If I told you it took a few years to find him, would you believe me? 

After our first date, I left town for a long weekend and thought I would never hear from him again. Boy, was I wrong! 

My first night at the hotel was spent at the bar, and not even 2 sips into my glass of wine, I received 2 text messages back to back.

The first text message was, “Where you at?”

After no response, you best believe I received another text and a few direct messages on Instagram with the same question all within 15 minutes of each other.

The second text message read, “Hey beautiful! How was your day? What have you visited so far?”

I think you can figure out who sent which message.

My thought process was the following:

I know that you didn’t know I’m on vacation (probably saw my Instagram story to find out), but why do you care where I am? And let’s use proper grammar, please. Eye roll.

Wow, that’s so nice that you actually care what I’ve been seeing on vacation. I was afraid I wouldn’t hear from you again. (the next day he gave me recommendations for restaurants, rooftops, and other activities)

It’s funny that the person who kept trying to wedge his way into my life was so careless and thoughtless with a text message, while the person I had only met once was the complete opposite. He wanted me to have a great vacation at some of his favorite places. Such a kind gesture that only took a second longer to send, but left a much better (and bigger) impression.

“Never cry for someone who hurts you, just smile and say: Thanks for giving me a chance to find someone better than you.” -Unknown

“And I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere” -Weightless by All Time Low

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said: “Do one thing every day that scares you ”. I’ve started to  challenge myself with things that might seem like an easy, no-brainer to some people, but can actually be difficult for those of us that overthink. 

Right before Christmas, I decided to buy a single concert ticket on a whim just a couple hours before the show was scheduled to start. It had been a crazy week at work and I just needed to do something that would allow me to unwind and have some fun. I spent some of my teenage years listening to All Time Low, and when I saw that they were coming to Chicago, I tried to get whoever was free to come with me. Naturally, all my friends had plans on a Friday night, so I talked myself into buying one lone ticket.  

While getting ready, my mind started to wander. Who goes to a concert alone? Would people notice I wasn’t with anyone? Would they think I was lonely or weird? I even thought that maybe I shouldn’t go and just lose the money I spent. But, I talked myself up and called the Uber to head to the show. 

The House of Blues was packed and I quickly realized that no one would know (or care) if I was alone. Groups of people were blending with others and for all each person knew, I could be a part of the group of people next to them. Once I decided that no one cared if I was alone (and after I was able to sneak around all the tall people) I relaxed and was able to have fun. 

During the opening act, the crowd began to cheer and point to the balcony. All Time Low was cheering on their fans and everyone was excited to see the band.  It was a cool experience to see them get excited for the audience and vice versa. 

I’ve been to a lot of concerts, but they’ve been in much larger venues, so the intimate environment was a nice change. But it was definitely different from any other show I’d been to. For some reason, I thought people only threw bras on stage and crowd surfed in movies. Not the case for this show. I think being able to see the engagement between the band and the concert-goers was a big part of the reason it was such a fun night. 

I watched a couple argue and cry in the middle of a concert, made friends with a girl who had too much to drink (and continuously told me she loved me), chatted with a girl who eventually got kicked out for crowd surfing and was pushed out of the way by another (tall) couple - yes, please push the short girl who’s clearly blocking your view out of the way. 

Even though I didn’t know anyone and didn’t have my friends to talk to throughout the night, it was a night full of overcoming fears. 10/10 would recommend. 

“Like ships in the night, we never collide” –Nothing Compares to You by Jack & Jack

A friend and I were talking about the difficulties of dating these days and she said something that stuck with me.

“My life is one big bae crawl.”

No, it’s not something that I thought would stick with me, but it is pretty comical.

After sharing a few stories here and there about the horrors of dating, we joked about finding the perfect person. Obviously no one is perfect, but why not try to achieve that? That’s where BYOB comes in to play.

Build Your Own Bae.

Without building the perfect person physically, let’s build the perfect person characteristically. Below are a few multiple choice questions that are important to consider while meeting new people.

1.       How do you prefer to get to know someone new?

a.       Text them

b.      Spend time together

c.       Talk to them on the phone

2.       When you start seeing someone new, and they do something that bothers you, do you:

a.       Talk to them right away

b.      Let it build up until you explode

c.       Ignore it altogether

3.       Do you prefer to be with someone who:

a.       Notices things about you without having to mention anything to them

b.      Needs you to tell them everything about yourself

c.       Notices things about you, but still asks you questions to learn about you

I took the quiz above and listed out my answers:

1.       All of the answers ring true for me but, I’ll be honest – I’m typically the person to avoid answering a phone call from someone new. I’d rather build a relationship with someone hiding behind a keyboard prior to jumping to the next step. There was recently someone in my life who wanted to Facetime the night we were supposed to go on our first date. I was finishing getting ready, scrolling on Instagram intermittently, I’m sure, waiting to leave my apartment, when my phone lit up and said he was Facetiming me. I just watched the screen until it stopped ringing, hoping he would send a text instead. Why ignore his call? It’s such a confronting way to communicate with someone you barely know. Yes, I know it’s just another way to connect, but,  call me old fashioned, I’d rather meet for the first time in person – not on a screen.

2.       Again, all the options above are true for me. How, you might ask? First, I ignore the problem and deem it benefit of the doubt. But that’s usually when the problem keeps happening. As it continues, I’ll usually keep quiet, probably because I don’t want to be seen as a ‘crazy’ person. It’s pretty unfortunate that speaking your mind has all of a sudden become something that’s rare for fear of coming off too strong. Finally, as I start to get comfortable around someone, the fear of being too confident slowly fades and I can definitely hold my own. I let all of the above happen with the last person I was seeing. I tried to play it cool when he would repetitively show up late, telling myself that it was his job and there’s not much he could’ve done about that. But, after lack of communication because of his irresponsibility, that’s when I found the confidence to let him know that it wasn’t okay and things had to change.

3.       I’ve had all three happen to me, and I think it’s important to learn from each choice. Someone I was seeing noticed the small things about me that I never thought he would. He knew that I only drink tea at night after a bad day. It was never a deal breaker if he didn’t know that, but it was nice to be seen in that way.

There was someone else who was so oblivious, I didn’t know it was possible. I found myself telling him things about myself that were so blatantly obvious that if he would have paid an ounce of attention, he would have noticed. He looked me right in the eyes and asked me what color eyes I have. Okay buddy, maybe you should your open yours to see mine.

The last choice is the most important, in my opinion. I dated someone for quite a while that took time out of his day to ask me about myself. He always asked the same question. “What’s something I don’t know about you?” I always loved when he asked this. We were together for years, and he still found time to learn about me. I remember one answer so vividly. I was living in Minneapolis with my aunt and uncle and the power went out sometime overnight. I had to shower before work, but the guest bathroom didn’t have any windows, so I drove to my grandma’s just down the road so I wouldn’t have to shower in the dark (or with the door open to allow a little sunlight). When I told him this, he laughed at me. And I laughed with him. It was such a sweet moment and a little gesture, but it showed the respect he had for me.

There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground when it comes to dating – in my experience there’s ghosting or someone saying “you’re the one” before going on the first date. Nothing like polar opposites, right? But, in the end, your middle ground is only something you can decide.

“Don’t hurt if you don’t know” – Don’t Hurt by Essy

How would you feel if your significant other blocked you on Facebook? How would you react if you found Tinder on their phone? I can tell you how I felt. Insignificant. Disrespected. Unworthy.

I’m a firm believer that people build up emotional walls higher and higher each time they’re lied to for protection. Why continue to open up your heart if that’s putting you at risk of being hurt and vulnerable again? My roommate and I have both realized that we take longer to open up to people ever since we’ve both been hurt in the past. My story will come at a later date, so this blog post will focus on my roommate (don’t worry – I have her permission).

My roommate and her ex-boyfriend were together through four years, two apartments, and the rescue of one puppy. Prior to living together, she and I followed each other on social media and, to me, it looked like her relationship was going well. They lived together, went on vacations, and rescued a dog – what could be wrong with that? That’s the trick with social media. There’s a veil and everything looks perfect, when deep down, there’s a relationship with real life issues.

You can imagine my surprise when I heard she was looking for a roommate late last year. I found out later that her boyfriend unexpectedly broke up with her. The reason: God told him to. That’s it.

We’ve had several conversations about the entire situation. Was it a quarter-life crisis? Was he overwhelmed? Did he feel pressure to take the next step and get engaged? Or did he see his single friends and feel like he was missing out? Just over a year later, and my roommate still has no idea why he wanted to end their relationship after four years. They had to continue living together for a couple months until she and I moved in to our apartment, and during that time, she tried to have countless discussions with him to figure out what was going through his mind. She didn’t get very far.

Why was it so difficult for him to be open and honest with his feelings? Had he been hurt before? It’s definitely a possibility. (Edit: she was his first girlfriend!) But ever since my roommate was completely blindsided, she has put her guard up higher than ever. We joke that it’s going to take a saint to break down all the walls. When seeing someone new, she questions things she may not have questioned before and tends to looks for red flags as opposed to letting them surface on their own. I think it’s smart to be cautious, but she’s protecting herself in a way she hasn’t before. Ever.

The tables turned for her over the summer – she had to end a relationship. I remember she said that she was beginning to understand why people aren’t honest with their feelings. It’s hard to be completely truthful for fear of hurting the other person. But, of course, it’s necessary for more than just one reason. Honesty for the other person is something they deserve out of respect, but it’s also important to respect yourself. If you can’t be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with? It was in the moment my roommate ended things with a great guy, that she realized why her ex-boyfriend may have not been 100% truthful: he couldn’t own up to his feelings and be honest with himself.

“Why don’t you be you, and I’ll be me” - Let It Go by James Bay

I think it’s pretty safe to say that everyone is looking for honesty in a relationship. Not enough honesty can be a deal breaker; however, is too much honesty just as detrimental? It’s important to continue learning about someone over time, but what if they divulge too much information at once?

The idea of dating can be daunting, but it should also be fun. This is the time to be a little flirtatious, learn about the other person and maybe go outside of your comfort zone to decide if there’s a strong enough connection to continue seeing each other.

In my own dating experience, I’ve had a few people open up about things that are probably too personal for a first or second date. In reality, they’re not doing anything wrong – I mean, all we ask for is the truth, right?

At what point does too much honesty become a red flag? What happened to the mystery and spontaneity of getting to know someone? These days, dates are treated more like interviews – rushing to get to the key points and then using that as a deciding factor. Personally, I would like to continue to get to know someone over the years. I hear my parents share stories about their upbringing, and they’re still learning things about each other almost 30 years later. I don’t want to know every single little thing about someone within the first few dates.

Someone once told me they went on a date – very reluctantly. There were a few yellow flags popping up prior to the first date, but he wanted to give her a fair chance and thought maybe her word vomit was caused by nerves. When we spoke afterword, he knew right away that she wasn’t going to be a good match for him. The reason? She opened up about too much right away and it scared him; it was a turn off. He would have learned about the same information if they continued to see each other, but the date was like a rapid fire interview.

We had a conversation about this a few days later and created our own theory. People want to get everything out in the open in case there’s not a second date. But why, though? Do they not realize that sometimes too much information and honesty is a hard pill to swallow? It’s almost like they don’t want to wait to get to know someone, especially in the society we live in where everything is instantaneous. Whether people know it or now, there’s a lack of patience in doing this – which, for me, is a red flag (pretty ironic, though – if you know me at all, I have the patience like dog begging for human food). If the date goes well, chances are more dates will follow, along with time to share the interesting facts and stories.

I don’t want to know about your unfaithful relationship history or skeletons in the closet on the first date. What I want to know is light hearted information. What’s your favorite bar, favorite vacation you’ve been on, and which Chicago baseball team you root for?

But, what happens when things are on the other end of the spectrum?

“When you’re stuck in a moment and your spark has been stolen” - Fire N Gold by Bea Miller

Everyone handles stress and anxiety differently. Some people work well under pressure and some don’t. I’m part of the group that doesn’t, which is pretty ironic considering my job is high stress and full of anxious people most of the time. After a couple of chaotic work weeks, I mentioned to someone that I was planning on taking a day off the following week – their response: “take the weekend to relax and you’ll feel better”.  I’m almost positive smoke came out of my ears. A few things crossed my mind in that moment:

• Don’t assume you know what’s best for me.

• Don’t assume my weekends are full of downtime.

• Don’t put a time frame on when I’ll feel better.

I was already feeling defeated and deflated, like I became the metaphorical punching bag for quite a few people. I felt like I was drowning, like every time I came up for air, someone pushed my head underwater. Nothing was going right and that comment sent me right over the edge.

But, I took what she said and did the best I could with the couple of days I had off. That weekend happened to be my friend’s birthday and we had plans spanning from a color run to brunch to a street fest and other festivities. We had very little downtime, but the constant celebrating was exactly what I needed to come down from a stressful month.

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In the time I spent with my friends, I was reminded of a few things:

• Spending time with friends is healing

• Spend time with yourself to unwind

• Take care of yourself – burning the candle at both ends helps no one

• Treat yourself to something small

• Laughing really is the best medicine

By the end of the weekend, I was feeling pretty refreshed, but still felt like I needed to take a mental health day to really take time for myself and decided to take a long weekend – I can’t remember the last time I took a couple of days off without any premeditated plans.  I mentioned this to a couple people and they congratulated me, but I couldn’t figure out why I was being congratulated for working myself so hard that I had to take time off to clear my head. But that’s when I realized why they said that. When you work hard, you deserve to treat yourself. It’s almost like celebrating your hard work. I’m not going to lie, there were plenty of tears during the chaos, but, sometimes you just need to throw a temper tantrum and have a good cry, and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that’s okay. As long as it’s in the privacy of your own home!

"You made a really deep cut" - Bad Blood by Taylor Swift

I have this problem that I wish I could change. Second chances. Third chances. And fourth chances. It’s so bad that I let myself get hurt in the process of seeing the best in people. Even if I know it’s a toxic relationship. This doesn’t have to be romantic relationship – I give most people multiple chances. I’ll admit that there are times I give second chances to allow that person to apologize for a wrong doing. It’s not cute – I know. But there are other times that I genuinely think that someone belongs in my life in some way, shape, or form and I try to keep them there until it breaks me.

There was someone who was involved in the better portion of my life. I met her when we were 5 years old. Up until freshman year of high school, we were inseparable. We were so comfortable with each other and our families that we would just walk into each other’s houses (and most of the time go straight for the fridge)– but what kind of friends would we be if we didn’t do that? There were countless sleepovers and dozens of birthday parties for each other.

Freshman year of high school started and there were so many new people to meet. I remember I started talking to a boy I liked and that’s when the drama started. This friend decided it would be okay to convince all my friends to leave my side – all but one friend left. So I guess they weren’t true friends! Fourteen is a weird age and a weird time in a person’s life; you’re trying to figure out who you are and stay on top of schoolwork all while maintaining friendships, and when your friendships are taken away from you for something silly, you really struggle. Teenagers should be able to talk to their friends about boys, but I couldn’t. I remember walking down the halls at school feeling lonely, betrayed, and confused, thinking that if I looked sad enough, my ‘friends’ would feel bad for me and would want to be back in my life. This was false. In my mind, a pity friendship is worse than no friends at all.

My mom had countless heart to heart conversations with me about those feelings I had towards the girls I called my friends. She told me to walk the halls with confidence and act like I didn’t need them in my life. And boy, was she right (as all moms are!). Fourteen years later, majority of those girls aren’t in my life anymore, but that didn’t come until I found the confidence my mom talked so much about in high school. I needed to realize that no matter how many chances I gave them, nothing was going to change. They were going to have the same attitude and the only way to get past that was to take myself out of the friendship. I was tired of feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be in that friend group.

So, at 27 years old, I finally chose myself.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - Stronger by Kelly Clarkson

Ever since I was in eighth grade, I knew I wanted to be an event planner. After planning a Black & White party, I was hooked. There’s a certain thrill of starting a project and going through the motions and seeing the end product unfold before your eyes. Not to mention, the excitement and anticipation of an upcoming event that you’ve planned from start to finish. I couldn’t wait to start setting up the day of the party. I remember feeling all the emotions: anxiousness, fear, nervousness, excitement, accomplishment. All I wanted was a successful party.

Throughout college, I never doubted majoring in Hospitality Management – it felt natural. My mom asked several times if I ever thought about changing majors. Negative.

After school, I had several jobs, each a promotion from the last and getting closer and closer to the career I envisioned. My first corporate job was a real kick in the butt. I have to be clear, though. I enjoyed the job itself, however, some of the people I worked with were less than professional. Even though I had been in the ‘real world’ for a couple years, this specific office environment wasn’t healthy.

My boss was manipulative, mentally and emotionally abusive, condescending and just an overall bad person. I held position the lowest within the department, but I worked hard to prove that I was the right person for the job and that I was ready for a promotion. After my entire team agreed that I was ready to move up to the next level, I applied for the position and went through the interview process – with my boss.

That’s when she shut me down. Hard. She said I didn’t show the characteristics of what it takes and I needed to be even more proactive within my current role. In the meantime, I gained all the responsibilities of the upper level position. For a while, I was okay with the increase in duties, however, after a few months of ‘no improvements and lack of character’, according to my boss, I was beyond frustrated and disappointed. My responsibilities tripled and I essentially went from the responsibilities of 1 position to 3 different positions. She did a great job making me feel incompetent and it got to a point that I didn’t want to be a meeting planner anymore. I was ready to quit. How could all of my hard work not show that I was worth a promotion? How can one person completely destroy the career path I saw for myself?

During that time, I really questioned my future. I never thought at 27 years old I would consider a career change. I was beaten down. My health took a turn, stress levels were sky high, and my body felt like it had been hit by a truck day after day. How long was I going to let this person control my life?

After about a year and a half of dealing with my boss, I was done. I received a job offer for my current role, and I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this relaxed going to and coming home from work. Even though we didn’t get along, I still gave a full two weeks’ notice, but let’s not forget about the fact that my boss ignored me for a good week after giving my notice.

It might be my naivety to the corporate world, but I never expected to be treated the way I was. Growing up, I was always taught the golden rule: treat people how you want to be treated. There are times I still can’t wrap my head around the events that happened, but it taught me to have thicker skin. The hospitality industry is a tough world and it’s not cut out for everyone, but I will say, my former boss taught me to be prepared for any kind of person I encounter.

“True or false, it may be” - Naive by The Kooks

My brother, Alec, is one of my best friends.  There’s a 150% chance he knows me better than I know myself. He can tell when things are going to set me off and how pull me out of those situations. He knows how to calm me down when my emotions go through the roof, but he also knows how to pick me up when I’m down, how to have a good time and is the keeper of some of my darkest secrets (I’d like to think I’m the same to him).

We created a program, if you will, to protect ourselves from anyone finding out about such secrets: The Sibling Protection Program. This really goes into effect when we don’t want our parents to find out about a certain experiences and situations we’ve been through. There are just some things parents shouldn’t know!

My immediate family is very close-knit - we talk on a daily basis. So, when Alec studied abroad in the fall of 2018, it was tough on all of us. The lack of Wi-Fi meant minimal conversations. There were times, I would go weeks without talking to him, but one of my parents would hear from him. Then there would be times I heard from him a few times in a week; he usually used that time to confide in me about anything – my favorite story he trusted me with is the morning he woke up in Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park after a big night of…hydrating, and had no idea how he got there (don’t worry – mom and dad know this story now and are obviously proud). I’ve always thought the best part of this story is that he woke up in a bush - surrounded by his friends sleeping in other bushes. This is when The Sibling Protection Program initiated.

My parents used to ask if I’d heard from Alec while he was overseas – sometimes I had and other times he would go radio silent for God knows how long. Naturally, they would ask how he was doing, if he was focusing on his schoolwork, what sites he’d seen, etc. and they always managed to squeeze in one last question: Anything else we should know about?

That’s when I would hit them with the infamous quote in their house. Sibling Protection Program. My mom would always try to get me to reveal some kind of information.

“Come on, Ab. Give me some kind of information on my boy!”

“Sibling Protection Program.”

“What is he doing that you can’t say?!”

“Sibling Protection Program.”

“This is making me anxious. He’s in a foreign country! Why won’t you tell me?!”

“Sibling Protection Program.”

This conversation happened a handful of times and was usually followed by an eye roll from mom. Now, keep in mind he was studying abroad in London. Yes, England is a foreign country, but it’s definitely not as foreign as they get. He originally wanted to study in South Africa. Could you imagine what she would be like if he was in Africa?

Immediately after my mom asked all those questions (and that’s only about 1/8 of what she would normally ask), my dad would step in and try to stop her interrogation. What a guy.

Alec came back from his study abroad program, and mom immediately started asking for all the dirty details of the stories he had ‘forgotten’ to share. I’m pretty sure at that exact moment he decided the jet lag was too much and went to bed. I became the knower of all secrets around the dinner table at that point, so I’m sure you can imagine what happened next –

“Abbie, what is he hiding?”

“Sibling Protection Program.”

As most people do, Alec has started to open up about his time in London (and other things) that he didn’t want mom and dad to know, but some things will remain in the black hole of secrets.

The pressure that was on me to reveal his secrets? Extreme.

The looks I got when our parents hear the secrets I’ve been hiding? Priceless.