“Don’t hurt if you don’t know” – Don’t Hurt by Essy

How would you feel if your significant other blocked you on Facebook? How would you react if you found Tinder on their phone? I can tell you how I felt. Insignificant. Disrespected. Unworthy.

I’m a firm believer that people build up emotional walls higher and higher each time they’re lied to for protection. Why continue to open up your heart if that’s putting you at risk of being hurt and vulnerable again? My roommate and I have both realized that we take longer to open up to people ever since we’ve both been hurt in the past. My story will come at a later date, so this blog post will focus on my roommate (don’t worry – I have her permission).

My roommate and her ex-boyfriend were together through four years, two apartments, and the rescue of one puppy. Prior to living together, she and I followed each other on social media and, to me, it looked like her relationship was going well. They lived together, went on vacations, and rescued a dog – what could be wrong with that? That’s the trick with social media. There’s a veil and everything looks perfect, when deep down, there’s a relationship with real life issues.

You can imagine my surprise when I heard she was looking for a roommate late last year. I found out later that her boyfriend unexpectedly broke up with her. The reason: God told him to. That’s it.

We’ve had several conversations about the entire situation. Was it a quarter-life crisis? Was he overwhelmed? Did he feel pressure to take the next step and get engaged? Or did he see his single friends and feel like he was missing out? Just over a year later, and my roommate still has no idea why he wanted to end their relationship after four years. They had to continue living together for a couple months until she and I moved in to our apartment, and during that time, she tried to have countless discussions with him to figure out what was going through his mind. She didn’t get very far.

Why was it so difficult for him to be open and honest with his feelings? Had he been hurt before? It’s definitely a possibility. (Edit: she was his first girlfriend!) But ever since my roommate was completely blindsided, she has put her guard up higher than ever. We joke that it’s going to take a saint to break down all the walls. When seeing someone new, she questions things she may not have questioned before and tends to looks for red flags as opposed to letting them surface on their own. I think it’s smart to be cautious, but she’s protecting herself in a way she hasn’t before. Ever.

The tables turned for her over the summer – she had to end a relationship. I remember she said that she was beginning to understand why people aren’t honest with their feelings. It’s hard to be completely truthful for fear of hurting the other person. But, of course, it’s necessary for more than just one reason. Honesty for the other person is something they deserve out of respect, but it’s also important to respect yourself. If you can’t be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with? It was in the moment my roommate ended things with a great guy, that she realized why her ex-boyfriend may have not been 100% truthful: he couldn’t own up to his feelings and be honest with himself.