I have this problem that I wish I could change. Second chances. Third chances. And fourth chances. It’s so bad that I let myself get hurt in the process of seeing the best in people. Even if I know it’s a toxic relationship. This doesn’t have to be romantic relationship – I give most people multiple chances. I’ll admit that there are times I give second chances to allow that person to apologize for a wrong doing. It’s not cute – I know. But there are other times that I genuinely think that someone belongs in my life in some way, shape, or form and I try to keep them there until it breaks me.

There was someone who was involved in the better portion of my life. I met her when we were 5 years old. Up until freshman year of high school, we were inseparable. We were so comfortable with each other and our families that we would just walk into each other’s houses (and most of the time go straight for the fridge)– but what kind of friends would we be if we didn’t do that? There were countless sleepovers and dozens of birthday parties for each other.

Freshman year of high school started and there were so many new people to meet. I remember I started talking to a boy I liked and that’s when the drama started. This friend decided it would be okay to convince all my friends to leave my side – all but one friend left. So I guess they weren’t true friends! Fourteen is a weird age and a weird time in a person’s life; you’re trying to figure out who you are and stay on top of schoolwork all while maintaining friendships, and when your friendships are taken away from you for something silly, you really struggle. Teenagers should be able to talk to their friends about boys, but I couldn’t. I remember walking down the halls at school feeling lonely, betrayed, and confused, thinking that if I looked sad enough, my ‘friends’ would feel bad for me and would want to be back in my life. This was false. In my mind, a pity friendship is worse than no friends at all.

My mom had countless heart to heart conversations with me about those feelings I had towards the girls I called my friends. She told me to walk the halls with confidence and act like I didn’t need them in my life. And boy, was she right (as all moms are!). Fourteen years later, majority of those girls aren’t in my life anymore, but that didn’t come until I found the confidence my mom talked so much about in high school. I needed to realize that no matter how many chances I gave them, nothing was going to change. They were going to have the same attitude and the only way to get past that was to take myself out of the friendship. I was tired of feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be in that friend group.

So, at 27 years old, I finally chose myself.