A friend and I were talking about the difficulties of dating these days and she said something that stuck with me.

“My life is one big bae crawl.”

No, it’s not something that I thought would stick with me, but it is pretty comical.

After sharing a few stories here and there about the horrors of dating, we joked about finding the perfect person. Obviously no one is perfect, but why not try to achieve that? That’s where BYOB comes in to play.

Build Your Own Bae.

Without building the perfect person physically, let’s build the perfect person characteristically. Below are a few multiple choice questions that are important to consider while meeting new people.

1.       How do you prefer to get to know someone new?

a.       Text them

b.      Spend time together

c.       Talk to them on the phone

2.       When you start seeing someone new, and they do something that bothers you, do you:

a.       Talk to them right away

b.      Let it build up until you explode

c.       Ignore it altogether

3.       Do you prefer to be with someone who:

a.       Notices things about you without having to mention anything to them

b.      Needs you to tell them everything about yourself

c.       Notices things about you, but still asks you questions to learn about you

I took the quiz above and listed out my answers:

1.       All of the answers ring true for me but, I’ll be honest – I’m typically the person to avoid answering a phone call from someone new. I’d rather build a relationship with someone hiding behind a keyboard prior to jumping to the next step. There was recently someone in my life who wanted to Facetime the night we were supposed to go on our first date. I was finishing getting ready, scrolling on Instagram intermittently, I’m sure, waiting to leave my apartment, when my phone lit up and said he was Facetiming me. I just watched the screen until it stopped ringing, hoping he would send a text instead. Why ignore his call? It’s such a confronting way to communicate with someone you barely know. Yes, I know it’s just another way to connect, but,  call me old fashioned, I’d rather meet for the first time in person – not on a screen.

2.       Again, all the options above are true for me. How, you might ask? First, I ignore the problem and deem it benefit of the doubt. But that’s usually when the problem keeps happening. As it continues, I’ll usually keep quiet, probably because I don’t want to be seen as a ‘crazy’ person. It’s pretty unfortunate that speaking your mind has all of a sudden become something that’s rare for fear of coming off too strong. Finally, as I start to get comfortable around someone, the fear of being too confident slowly fades and I can definitely hold my own. I let all of the above happen with the last person I was seeing. I tried to play it cool when he would repetitively show up late, telling myself that it was his job and there’s not much he could’ve done about that. But, after lack of communication because of his irresponsibility, that’s when I found the confidence to let him know that it wasn’t okay and things had to change.

3.       I’ve had all three happen to me, and I think it’s important to learn from each choice. Someone I was seeing noticed the small things about me that I never thought he would. He knew that I only drink tea at night after a bad day. It was never a deal breaker if he didn’t know that, but it was nice to be seen in that way.

There was someone else who was so oblivious, I didn’t know it was possible. I found myself telling him things about myself that were so blatantly obvious that if he would have paid an ounce of attention, he would have noticed. He looked me right in the eyes and asked me what color eyes I have. Okay buddy, maybe you should your open yours to see mine.

The last choice is the most important, in my opinion. I dated someone for quite a while that took time out of his day to ask me about myself. He always asked the same question. “What’s something I don’t know about you?” I always loved when he asked this. We were together for years, and he still found time to learn about me. I remember one answer so vividly. I was living in Minneapolis with my aunt and uncle and the power went out sometime overnight. I had to shower before work, but the guest bathroom didn’t have any windows, so I drove to my grandma’s just down the road so I wouldn’t have to shower in the dark (or with the door open to allow a little sunlight). When I told him this, he laughed at me. And I laughed with him. It was such a sweet moment and a little gesture, but it showed the respect he had for me.

There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground when it comes to dating – in my experience there’s ghosting or someone saying “you’re the one” before going on the first date. Nothing like polar opposites, right? But, in the end, your middle ground is only something you can decide.